#I've scheduled this post cuz I don't know if I'll have any time to go online tomorrow (aka the 17th - which is when this'll post)

[phant0m-l0rd]

it is now the 17th here so happy birthday to the amazing guitarist and band leader, Kaoru <3

(rollerball gel pens, alcohol markers, coloured pencils)

[inverted-flowers]

So... Those Secret Life tarot predictions I've been doing huh? Well it's Grian's turn! Reminder that you don't really need to know anything about Tarot Cards. If you're curious though it's just a simple 5 card spread I made specifically for this. Also I did this on November 2nd of 2023 (it's a Thursday) cuz I'll probably decide to schedule this as to not spam the tags lol.

First Card - Start

So this card was rough because while I was placing it I turned it without thinking about it (which I like never do). I had to debate whether to interpret it upright (how it would've been had I not turned it) or reversed (how it was when flipped it over). As I said in the very first post, I'm doing these as practice so this is also just a 'well wtf do I do in this situation' sort of milestone. In the end I've decided to interpret it as upright with a kind of side note of reversal... if that makes sense... I'm gonna combine the meanings a little bit!

I drew the Ace of Wands... uh... funky style. (Sure that makes sense right? /silly) This card is describing Grian's start of Secret Life as involving a lot of hard work. There could be some minor setbacks but he'll likely work through them fine enough. He'll probably have a great time, honestly, if this card has any truth to it.

Second Card - Individual

This card is describing how Grian does in the game basically. For it I drew the reversed 8 of Swords. He survives through the more difficult first part of starting in a new life series world. So far he's doing very well too so this is supported! If you've seen his episodes you'll know he's not exactly down a whole lot of hearts yet. This card also talks about being open to change and new opportunities. What new opportunities? I'm so glad you asked. To the next card!

Third Card - Social

This card is meant to describe how Secret Life goes for Grian on the social end of this series. I drew the Death card which made me laugh. The death card is about change, rebirth, and transitioning from one phase to another. My brain immediately went to how everyone and their grandma were drawing comparisons between his first ep with Scar on the camel and third life. This makes me think he's either not going to team up with anyone or if he does it'll be someone he hasn't yet and well... So far it's looking like the former! It makes that lil' comparison extra fun cuz this is saying he'll be putting the past expirences behind for something new.

Fourth Card - Big Impact

I drew the reversed Page of Pentacles which is wild cuz I drew that for Joel too but as his season end. Here I drew it for Grian's 4th card which is describing what makes the greatest impact for him this season. This card talks about a lack of progress and getting lost in the details. He might get too caught up in something and forget about his task.

Fifth Card - End

I drew the 3 of Pentacles for how Grian'll end Secret Life. This card talks about collaboration and learning. He's probably very secure in his beliefs... except that those beliefs might be a strict adherence to the rules which could ultimately cause him more problems than necessary. It also means he could take the advice and criticisms of his fellow players pretty well.

So do I think this reading is predicting Grian to win? Not in the slightest. 3 of pentacles really feeling like a participation trophy here lol. Like 'yay you learned things and got to make content with all these lovely people!' Not exactly something screaming he's gonna win. If I had to take a gander as to how it goes down, I'd reckon he gets distracted and fails a hard task or fails his normal tasks multiple times (based on the 4th card). That would then somehow push him to be more strict with rule following (based on the 5th card). If that is what happens, the fail would probably happen either soon and then affect the majority of his season or later when he's low. Maybe it's what turns him red.

[pupintransit]

At this stage post-op we are about three weeks out from the surgery. Things are healing fine, but not without some complications:

Wound dehiscence at the front of my canal. It'll heal on its own but kind of slowly. Plus according to the trans care nurse I saw it's likely to develop granular tissue, which is treated very easily but it's profoundly inconvenient nonetheless

Urinary tract infection. Search me how I contracted the fuckin' thing but we caught it early it seems. I was given some antibiotics at my last medical appointment, and I hope to christ they kick in soon cuz I had a fever of about 101.6 this morning. Cannot remember the last time I felt that physically weak and miserable. The other day I didn't have the strength to keep my legs prone to air dry properly

There's a hematoma underneath my vulva on my right side. It sounds worse than it is, and it seems to be going down on its own. Still, it is lengthening my recovery time for longer than I want, and it bleeds out of a pinprick sized wound on right side

Ughhhhhh.

Mentally I've been all over the place. I've been going through phases of regret and fear, which as I wrote about earlier this month I experience when I feel particularly bad. It passes just as i expect it too once the pain and dread stops. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with in the moment though. Sometimes you just have to ride the feeling out.

I get asked sometimes what it feels like to be cockless. The honest answer is that is that I don't know yet. I like how it looks and I love not having something dangle between my legs, but it still hurts. I won't be able to use my new parts the way I want to for at least a few more months. I'm still a little too swollen to find my clit too, and quite frankly I miss being able to cum.

I'm not fucking around with my health so despite all of the pain and fever I'm going through I'm still dilating on schedule four times a days and doing my hygiene routines as required. There are consequences if I don't, and I don't want to become complacent and stop. I've downsized to the blue and green dilators for the time being due to the pain caused by my dehiscence. I can always work back up to the orange one once everything heals up more. Right now I want to be sure that I maintain my depth and do so with the least amount of pain possible.

There's someone I follow online who has a Q&A section about their own gender affirming surgery on their social media who has a very salient point in one of the entries. I'm not gonna tag them and risk embarrassing them (but if you happen to be reading this please know that I think very highly of you!), but essentially their point was that, if you're asking someone if you should get bottom surgery of any kind, the answer is no you should not. Asking that means that you're still uncertain about whether or not it's the best decision. If you ask yourself if you want bottom surgery and the answer you come up with is "I don't know," that isn't good enough. For your own safety you need to wait until you are certain. That could take a very long time but it's still the most responsible thing you can.

I had several appointments with therapist and doctors in order to be sure this is what I wanted. When I am in my right mind I am confident in my choice and I don't regret it. You need to be sure you won't regret it too.

Anyway. My next appointment with the trans health care nurse is friday of next week. Luckily my husband is able to drive me since my brother isn't available this time and I really do not want to take transit for that long in order to get there. Ideally my UTI will have gotten better by then. I'll let y'all know how it goes.

[vashsuggestions]

Hi Vash! I hope you're doing well. I'm not sure how to phrase this request properly, but I'll just provide context to give you somewhat of an idea:

My mother is flying overseas to visit my father for a month. As the only daughter of the family, almost all the responsibilities of maintaining the house falls on my shoulders. This includes the cleaning, cooking for five, feeding the chickens, taking care of the garden, taking care of my bedridden grandmother ALONG WITH dealing with my first semester at uni.

DO KEEP IN MIND (and i can't stress this enough) that my mother isn't neglecting me or overworking me on purpose or anything like that. A lot of this shit happened after my father got her visa and booked the flight for her. Plus my brother and I really, really wanted her to take a vacation. (She always carries the housework alone)

Initially I didn't have that much on my plate and my aunts were also coming over to lighten the load, but something came up on their end and they can't come.

ON TOP OF THAT (ik, jesus..) my paranoid ass REFUSES to let my mother go to another city and stay at an airport for HOURS alone when it is her first time. So yes, i'm willing to take an 6 hour ride to the airport, stay there until 3 am and take a six hour ride back home on the same day as my classes... (yay). My mother's flight is this week.

I am 17. My brother and I are, simply put, spoiled brats that have never been left unsupervised for over a week. And my two uncles who stay at my place (tho I love them very much) are LAZY AS SHIT. I also have executive dysfunction, chronic migraines and alot of memory issues. (There's some underlying mental health issue there i can't tell)

So in short, i'm fucked. Really fucked. And ik this is a very odd request to give advice on, so some words of support from my comfort character would mean the entire world for me.

Am I whining about this and stressing out for no reason? Most probably. So, you're not obligated to answer this if it makes you uncomfortable in any way cuz this is essentially a vent post.

This franchise is all I've been thinking about for the past 5 months, and I'm glad you decided to open asks. A few minutes of your time to make a post every day means a lot to many people.

Congrats on reaching a 100 followers! Love and Peace! <3<3<3<3

Wow, friend! Sounds like you have A LOT of work ahead of you! I'm sure it's not easy carrying all of that on your own, especially while you're also trying to do things for yourself.

I'm glad you're doing your best to help your family out, and that you're trying to take care of your mother. YOU ARE NOT WHINING! This is a lot for anyone to figure out and do! Feel how you need to feel about it, but remember that all of this stress will eventually pass and you'll be able to relax a bit more soon!

If you're able too, try to reach out to some friends that might be able to help while your mother is away! It makes the time pass quicker and may help you feel less stressed. I know it can be HARD to reach out for help sometimes, ESPECIALLY if you may feel like you don't deserve it, but I want to promise you that YOU DO DESERVE IT! Maybe you could also reach out to your professors as well, if you need help keeping up with coursework!

If you aren't able to find any extra help, well, that's okay too! Just remember that things will eventually turn out okay! Keep a schedule if you think that might help with chores, and take some time for yourself when you can. It will be okay, and this stress will only be for a short while. I know it's a lot, but you're doing great already.

LOVE and PEACE!

[palettepainter]

OKAY FIRST OF ALL HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

I was wondering what are some of your headcanons for Dr teeth, or zoot? Have a wonderful birthday! 🍰

Thanks!! I'm so fucking terrified for my bday this year, I don't know if I'll make a post about it cuz there are a lot of other reasons behind it aside from just not having any irl friends to celebrate with, but seeing some of you wish my a happy bday gives me a little smile!

And I sure do!

Zoot:

-So I like to think that even though he can sleep anywhere anytime, his sleep schedule is actually whack. Sometimes he'll sleep for like seventeen hours straight, then wake up at two thirty in the morning, make himself a sandwich and watch tv or something.

-When he was a kid everybody thought his talking shoe Jimmy was just his imaginary friend, including his many cousins. To this day some of them still believe that Jimmy is just Zoot's made up friend and they play along with it

-The only real 'sweet' thing he can handle is dark chocolate, if he has anything sweeter which is barely ever he'll have to eat it alongside something else

-As a kid he had a toy sloth called Timmy, sloths are still one of his favourite animals

-Sleep deprived Zoot is a rarity, but it does exist, the band all fear him, even Animal. He's basically Muffin from the episode Sleepover, mixed with the terror of an eldritch horror. Sleep deprived Zoot is a predator, he can smell your fear

-He's the oldest out of his cousins so far that I've designed for him, but is coincidentally the shortest

-Zoot sometimes forgets that Liv is in her early twenties (she's the same age as Scooter). She doesn't drink alcohol a lot cuz she doesn't like the flavour but when she does drink the stuff Zoot gives her a look and tells her to stop drinking it and go get an apple juice. Liv has to remind him a LOT that she's no longer twelve

Teeth:

-Inspired by a short story titled A Nightmare On Mulholland Drive, even though Teeth's parents are dentist's, and he spent a small portion of his life working at their practise, he is deathly terrified of having to have any operations with his Teeth. As a child he hated the noise of the whirring drill his Mama would use in the practise. A large reason on why his teeth are so perfect is because he didn't ever want to be in a situation where one of those drills had to be near his mouth

-Though his confidence has only improved over the years of being a musician, if you know the right things to say, Teeth can still get quite flustered if the compliments and flirts are coming from the right people

-He is so befuddled by London Cheesecake. To anyone that doesn't know London cheesecake is a pastry like dessert with icing and coconut on the top. The first time Teeth saw it he blinked hard, then asked where the biscuit base was

-When he was younger he had a nervous habit of wringing his fingers, and his noodly arms would coil up by his chest like snakes in distress

-It's not obvious thanks to him always wearing a hat but Teeth's hair is curly in parts, like his Mama's and Grammy's. Tina's hair when it's not pulled back into her signature style is a wild, frilly MESS

-When he first met baby Animal he was fascinated by his jaw strength, impressed by how something that small could have that much bite to him. Floyd was surprised, thinking Teeth would at least be a little more wary about him, but it brought him relief knowing Teeth wasn't unnerved by him

[supernovafeather]

Update about my novel project, click below to get the full post. :D

As my book is coming closer to its ending, I wonder whether or not I should publish it under my actual name or take a nom de plume. I'd be more inclined to use my actual name but at the same time I wonder if a gender neutral name wouldn't make it easier for me as it is sci-fi. Not such a big deal as I do think i'm gonna use my actual name anyway and it's pretty secondary. I'm also starting to work on the cover, the title, summary etc and have several ideas I like.

I'll try to be as independant as possible and go full Internet promotion. It's a risk but I like this challenge. Also I'm about to start creating an Instagram account about it (but keeping it private for now) the time to learn how to promote my work properly. I think I'm going to have to make my own website as well I have several ideas on what to include to give it its own identity and some other work.

The thing is as I'm going to start a new job next week and have to prepare some professional exams in a few months I hope I won't get burned out or something. I have my priorities straight and know what is more important for me but I also know what I love to do and what I do because I have no other choice and as often those things don't combine well. Anyway, that's part of life and I started to accept it a few years ago.

At least if I start having some success with my books (cuz yeah I have other story ideas and all the lore I created is developped enough to write other books in the same universe and I have a few ideas on the themes I could work on) it's going to have some interesting backstory.

Short reminder that it's going to get published in French but I'll try to do it in English as soon as possible (as well as translating the potential future website and my social networks in English at some point). Either translated by myself (what a power move that'd be to write it in several languages myself lmao) or maybe by a professional if I feel unsure about it all. I want everybody to have a good quality work.

So yeah, stay tuned. I hope you can understand that I can't give any precise schedule neither and still have some work ahead (like by a lot). Despite my tumblr audience being 99% English speaking the main support I've received about this personal project went from there, and I appreciate that !

Thanks for reading till the end and have a nice day/night ! <3

[solarishashernoseinabook]

🍕Will you be making any changes to your posting schedule (if you have one)? (Or do you want to establish a posting schedule?)

Thank you! Putting them all in one answer as usual :D

🍕 Will you be making any changes to your posting schedule (if you have one)? (Or do you want to establish a posting schedule?) For a little while after TWG and TRR finish, I won't be posting anything too regularly. I'm going to be finishing off some one-shots and heavily planning TRR2. Once I get to a point where I can post TRR2, I'll go back to weekly posting (probably on Saturdays, to be consistent)

🎃 Do you plan on writing any seasonal fics? I don't think so, I'll often post on a holiday (twice now I've posted fics for Hallowe'en), but the fics I write won't be very connected to the holiday XD

🫘 Spill the beans. What's a new project you're doing this year? I'll talk a bit about the modern AU I've got going on with @rangerthursday! Basically, Will is a foster kid feeling burned out with life after family after family fizzling out. After running away to avoid going back to the group home, he runs into Halt and Halt decides to take him in.

🐌 What is one of your smallest writing goals? to crowdsource ideas for TWG2 No actually just to write some one-shots I've had floating around for a while but no time to focus on :D

🥸 Does anyone in IRL know you write fanfic or original fiction? If not, do you plan on telling anyone this year? My mum and friend both do! Mum wants to read my fics, so I'll send them over when they're done :D

🛳 Are there any new ships you want to write for? (Platonic, romantic, or anything in between.) I don't think so! I've written all the ships I'm heavily invested in. I might do some oneshots with Will/Alyss or Alyss/Cassandra, but no promises XD

💖 What is your primary writing goal for this year? My other primary writing goal (as opposed to the last goal I gave in the other answer) is to actually plan multi-chaps more thoroughly lmao. Tho more out of necessity, cuz I need to completely restructure Rangers Apprentice: The Early Years if I'm going to write the latter half of TRR :"D

Link to the ask game if you want to play!

[sw1mmingfoolz]

growth is feeling like u wanna unalive urself and full on ugly sobbing for like 15 mins before being like right anyway what options do i have rn

[youremeimyou]

Old Lovers

pairing: Min Yoongi x reader genre: angst with sprinkles of fluff, ex-boyfriend au word count: almost 5k warning: some passionate kissing

Description: Min Yoongi is your ex-boyfriend that you’ve parted ways not on the greatest of terms with. But in the makings of a mixtape, somethings will be rekindled. Will it be friendship or maybe more?

A/N: I’ve started writing this so long ago but only recently got to finish it. I haven’t been able to post any fics in a while even though I’ve got a lot of wip. I’m graduating uni and my life’s basically a chaos right now. But I liked writing this a lot. I hope you enjoy! Please let me know what you think of it :) [posting again cuz it’s not showing on tags ughh]

Going back to school has never been this painful to you before. Of course assingments, exams and longer than necessary lectures were always there to welcome you back to hell every year but no new semester intimidated you quite like this one does. Especially after the very much disconnected summer break you had.

Spending the summer in your hometown of Gwangju was a rushed decision that was actually forced upon you at the time. But it turned out to be exactly what you needed. At least, Hoseok made sure that it was. Being your life-long friend, he took matters into his own hands when you couldn't pull yourself together after the rough patch you've been through. The Hoseok-ie rule he called it: No getting in touch with anyone in Seoul. And while it was a little hard not reaching out to close friends in Seoul, you couldn't risk breaking the Hoseok-ie rule. He's sweet and you love him but that guy is one scary motherfucker when he's pissed.

Now, summertime's over and you're definetely not prepared to face your demons. It doesn't help that Hoseok's classes aren't starting until next week, either. That means you have to go through this alone.

On your way from the subway station to the campus, you check the new weekly schedule once more and it makes you let out a dissappointed huff. You can't blame anyone. You made this schedule. But do you have any idea why you decided to put music theory at 9 in the morning while you were making it? No.

Your legs take action before you know it and suddenly you're now turning to the other street. They continue to take you through another familiar path. As you close in on the shop at the corner, the calming smell of coffee reaches your nose and you realise why coming here was more tempting than attending class.

This coffee shop was your safe haven for the past three years and this semester isn't going to be any different. Even though it's so close to campus, not many people know about it and it's never hectic. Which is something you love and right now, definetely need. Some peace and quiet before starting the semester...

You enter and head straight to the barista, who happens to be a friend of yours since you're a regular.

"Hey Ryu."

"Well well, if it isn't Miss I'll come everyday this summer that never showed up once." Ryu has sarcasm alongside with mischief in his voice.

"I know but Hoseok kept me in Gwangju as a prisoner the whole summer, I'm sorry."

"Where's that dancing machine?"

"He doesn't have classes until next week so it's just me for now." You're still not over the fact he left you on your own for the first week.

"It's fine, you're not alone. Look!" Ryu points to the back where the tables are. You're confused as to who he could be pointing at. You and Hoseok are the only ones you know that come here- except...

In a flash, you stop turning around and hurriedly order a black coffee. "Please make it quick." you plead quietly but what's done is done, he already knows you're here. In fact you can hear footsteps approaching.

"That drink was great, dude. What's it called again?" He appears on your right side in his all-black outfit with a snapback. Nothing's changed about him, you think. Except you see some of his hair through the hat and it seems to be bleached. Something he hasn't done for a while. For the two years you two were together, to be exact.

"Oh, it's called yuanyang. You think I should put it on the menu?"

"Definetely, go for it."

It seems like he doesn't even acknowlegde the fact that you're right next to him. But why the hell did he even come here? You totally introduced him to this place and Ryu. So, you should get to keep this place after the break-up. Aren't those the rules?

He takes out his wallet to pay but pauses for a second. "Ryu, can I get two cookies to go?" he asks and hands over his card.

Two cookies? You know he doesn't like sugaries that much. You're almost sure he's meeting someone and it makes you scoff, unconsciously. Both him and Ryu side-eye you but you avert your gaze. "Chocolate ones, please." he adds. You think he must be ordering your favorites just to spite you.

He recieves the cookies from Ryu, fistbumps the guy and starts walking out. But then, just as he passes by you, he leaves one of the cookies on the counter in front of you and exits without another word.

First, you're shocked. And so is Ryu, apparently. You glance at him and he confusedly shrugs. Then, you're pissed. In a moment of anger, you blast out of there to go after him.

"Hey, Min Yoongi!" you shout.

He stops but doesn't turn around for a while. Just when he's about to, you appear right in front of him, the cookie in your hand.

"What's this?"

"What does it look like to you?" he retorts back, his eyes avoiding yours. And you frustratedly huff.

"What are you trying to pull?" you ask with hints of accusation in your voice. That's when he meets your gaze.

"Nothing at all. My fault for trying to be nice."

There it is, the Min Yoongi venom you were waiting for. He opens his mouth to say something else but you beat him to it.

"Ryu doesn't seem to know that we-" you pause. And immediately regret pausing. Why couldn't you just say it?

"Oh, right. You must be thinking that life stopped while you were away." And only as he says this that you notice the dark circles under his eyes. "He knows. So do a lot of other people, by the way."

Well, shit. You might've been away from all the post-breakup commotion but he was here. He was dealing with everyone of your social circle, alone. And what's the first thing you do when you see him for the first time after all that? Lashing out at him. And when he was just trying to be nice, too. Great...

"Can you move? I'm missing class." he says coldly. But despite trying to hide it, his voice sounds tired. Which makes you step out of his way and let him go. Instead, you start making your own way to class, being already late as it is.

Safe to say it's an awkward walk to campus, with you on one side of the street and Yoongi on the other. The bad news is, you constantly find yourself looking his way. Even though you curse under your breath everytime you catch yourself staring at him, you can't help but look again. But his eyes are completely fixed on the road, not even sparing you one glance.

To escape the awkwardness, you decide taking the longer route to class by heading for the stairs at the back while he takes the ones near the entrance. Since you're late and afraid of Professor Sol, you fasten your pace. Once you reach the door, your hand clashes into someone else's. Yoongi's. Of course, you think to yourself. You should've known he's taking music theory from Professor Sol. He's the best student when it comes to music and the best teacher here definetely wants him on his class.

It's too late when you realise you haven't removed your hand because he opens the door with yours under his, making it feel as though you're holding hands.

"So you finally decided to grace us with your presence? You shouldn't have. The class is about to end." Professor Sol scolds the two of you. She isn't exactly wrong. "I can pardon a student who already excells but the one who barely passes classes, I hope you know what you're doing Miss Y/N." One thing about her is that she notoriously discriminates between students and she's never liked you.

Yoongi's hand and yours is still connected and you feel him tense up. He actually used to be your guardian when it came to Professor Sol. And apparently old habits die hard because he grabs your hand harder and steps up a little. "The last I checked, at least eighty percent of your class fails every year, professor. It includes people who rank highest in some of the other classes. Strange, don't you think?"

Only Min Yoongi has the guts to do this. And only he gets a free pass after doing it. When the professor simply points you in the direction of the seats, Yoongi pulls you by the hand he’s still holding and sits you down. There’s immediately talk going around, people discussing if you were back together and all that. That’s when he snaps out of it and lets your hand go. So you’re finally able to let out the breath you were unknowingly holding. Then, he goes to one of the back seats and sits down himself. And you quietly wonder why that hurts you.

It's Hoseok's first day back and the two of you are enjoying some coffee at Ryu's shop, after a long school day.

"Y/N, I've got some bad news." he says, looking gloomy all of a sudden.

"Wha- hurry up and tell me." You hate the suspense, it makes you worry.

"I haven't been able to find a studio that we can continue the album with." He looks really upset. That's only natural, he's been working on this project for over a year now. Before you broke up with Yoongi, Hoseok was writing and producing a mixtape in Yoongi's studio with you and Yoongi's help. After you parted ways, the mixtape was put on hold.

"I've saved a lot of money this summer. We can look into some expensive ones too, I'm sure we can-"

"It's not the money, Y/N. I can't work on it the way I want to in any of those other studios. Even if it's one of the expensive ones." he cuts in. Yes, Yoongi was probably the only person to let Hoseok do his own thing.

"Well then, you should talk to Yoongi. I'm sure he'll be cool with working with you, still. As long as I don't show up, it should be fine."

He rolls his eyes. "I can't do it without you, Y/N. I'll need your help, so you'll have to show up eventually."

It's your turn to roll your eyes. You don't want anything to do with that studio. But you know how important this mixtape is to Hoseok, so you say okay. Even though you doubt Yoongi would be fine with you being there.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. In his damned, cursed, beautiful leather jacket... This time there's no hat so you can fully observe his bleached hair and notice how it's grown longer.

"Would you really be okay with it? I don't wanna put you in this position, no. Let's just forget it-"

"Hoseok-ie, you're lovely. But for now, shut up." You get up and make your way to Yoongi's table. Hoseok's mixtape has to be done, no matter what. Seems like he hasn't noticed you so you clear your throat to grab his attention.

"What?" he asks, not looking at you. Your blood slowly starts to boil.

"I need to ask you something-"

"Ryu, I kinda need that coffee asap, buddy!" He cuts you off by hollering at the barista and starts to gather his things. He really must want to get on your nerves.

"Actually, first things first, why in the bloody hell are you still coming here?" You can't help but lash out again. You discovered this place after all, you have the right to claim it.

"Excuse me?"

"I showed you this place, it's my territory. Don't you know the break-up rules?"

He laughs at that. In such a condescending way that you regret saying it. He stops getting ready and settles on the table once again. "You're cute."

Oh, you're so close to smacking him on the head.

"And you're an asshole."

Ryu comes with Yoongi's order and leaves it on the table. "I thought you were in a hurry." He says while heading back to the counter.

"I suddenly wanna stay longer." Yoongi states, looking straight at you.

Every fiber of your being wants to avoid his eyes and run away from there, he knows exactly how to make you vulnerable. But you endure. For Hoseok.

"I'll get to the point. Hoseok needs to keep working with you. Our situation shouldn't effect his mixtape, don't you think?"

He switches to serious mode quickly. "Was this your idea or his?"

"What does it matter-"

"I'm only okay with it if he wants to do it on his own will and not by you forcing him."

Okay, you do get a little bossy sometimes but he didn't have to put it as harsh as that.

"He wants to. He refused other studios and all that."

You think you see his lips curve into a small smile for a second. Hoseok and Yoongi got along very well, actually. You never wanted for them to stop being friends, anyway. This might be a chance for them to catch up even. Of course, there's a slight problem.

"But- he says he can't do it without... well, me. He wants to make sure that you're okay with-"

"Not a problem." Yoongi unexpectantly cuts you off. You're rendered speechless due to shock. He finally turns his head and looks at you. "My studio is a workplace, Y/N. Why would it bother me when you're there for work purposes? Especially when you're essential to the process."

Yoongi's sense of kindness is a very strong thing. But it's well hidden under all the coldness and sarcasm. You'd know, it had taken you a while to get to it. But when you did, it made you fall for him even harder at the time. And now, even though things between you are over, you can still see it.

"Thanks..." is all you can say while turning around to go back but suddenly your feet stop and turn back around. "Actually, thanks for before with Professor Sol, too. Even though you don't need to stand up for me anymore-"

"It's not that I needed to, Y/N. It's that I wanted to."

He goes back to gathering his stuff and you head back to give Hoseok the details of how it went. Just as you're about to, Yoongi stops by your table before leaving.

"Hoseok-ie, text me later to come up with a schedule for studio hours, okay?"

Hoseok is visibly happy and responds with a big smile. "Sure thing."

It's been three weeks since Hoseok started to work at Yoongi's studio again. But today is the first time that you'll be going there since the break-up. Even though time has passed, you're still not used to being around Yoongi all the time. Like having to attend almost all the classes with him and also, well... without him.

Without him sitting next to you, practically glued to your side, while you both silently giggle in the middle of the lecture as he whispers stupid jokes in your ear. The fact that you're consantly around him (not by choice by the way) prevents you from getting over him.

And now the studio... One of the most dangerous places for you now because of the memories you have with him there. You know, an intimate, indoor space with dim lights... A perfect spot for activities you definitely don't want to be reminded of. But for your best friend Hoseok, you have to go.

When you arrive, you call Hoseok to open up the door, too nervous to ring the doorbell. Once you enter, your giggly friend drags you hurriedly into the recording room.

"Okay warm your voice up. We should start with the vocals-"

"Wow there, pickle." you say. Vocals were maybe the only thing you told him you wouldn't do. What did he think? That he could hurry you into it and you wouldn't notice? "What vocals, Hoseok? I'm here to arrange, mix and maybe write some melodies, you know that."

"Shhh... look you gotta. Otherwise Yoongi's gonna have some other girl do it and I don't want that."

What girl? For as long as you can remember, Yoongi has tried to get you to sing. For Hoseok's and other albums. But you don't have confidence in your voice so you've always refused. And now he just wants some other girl?

"Have you told him you don't want that?"

"Yes, obviously. He told me if I can't convince you, we had no other choice. So c'mon, just try for me? Pleaseee?"

You sneakily glance out the window to see Yoongi talking with the said girl. She’s probably from your school even though you haven’t seen her here before. She’s standing a bit too close to Yoongi’s chair and leaning on him a little but that’s none of your business. And you definetely don’t care. But still, you can’t have someone whom Hoseok’s not comfortable with, sing in his own damn album.

You go out the room and toward Yoongi and the girl. “We need to speak.” you say and head for the other room. Yoongi huffs while following after you.

“What is it miss grumpy?”

You roll your eyes. “Are you really pulling an ultimatom on me like this? Hoseok clearly isn’t okay with this girl-”

“Hoseok isn’t okay with anyone but you. This isn’t my ultimatom, it’s his. Marley’s like the third person I asked to do this and he didn’t like any of them. Because what he wants is your voice. You really can’t see that Y/N?”

He sounds fed up and exhausted. What he says makes sense too, since you know how stubborn and sneaky your best friend can be.

He continues. “Look, if we want the album to proceed there are three options. First is Marley does the vocals and Hoseok will be unhappy about it. Second is there’ll be no female vocals which will make the whole thing empty and far from what we planned. Or third, you can do them and save us all the grimace.”

He makes it seem like he doesn’t care which you’ll go with but in his eyes, you can see hope that you’ll say yes to the third. But no. You’re not ready, you can’t. In your mind, you suck. So you convince Hoseok to go with Marley for now.

So, days go by. Marley comes pretty often to record. Hoseok’s not frowning that much about it anymore. And you notice how every chance she gets, Marley is pulling the moves on Yoongi. Which seem to work, since sometimes they come in or leave together. None of it bothers you at all, you tell yourself.

One day, you come in pretty late at night remembering you left your notes there. Since you have a spare key, you think you can be in and out unnoticed. Silly you because once you hear Yoongi playing the piano, you can’t just leave. You wait outside the room until he’s done and some stupid momentary courage makes you go in.

“Oh- I’m sorry.” you instantly say when you see Marley sitting next to him. “I just forgot my- I was leaving-”

“Wait!” Yoongi says hurridly to stop you. “We were done here anyway.”

Marley doesn’t look happy but gets up and leaves.

“No really, I got my notes and I was about to head out. She doesn’t need to leave on my account-”

“It’s not on your account. But since you came in here, you must have something to say?”

Why does it feel like he wants you to say something? Why does it seem like he wants you to stay? You’re convinced it’s your own mind playing tricks on you.

“No. I don’t.” you lie with a broken voice. But your feet aren’t leaving. And Yoongi is still staring at you with a cold attitude but expecting eyes.

“Fine.” you give up and say. “I thought the piano room wasn’t allowed to just anyone. I guess since she was in here...” you cut yourself off. The piano room was kind of your special place when you were together. Nobody other than you was allowed in here. This is the place you two would spend hours and hours coming up with songs. Or just talking about things you shared only with each other.

“I’m just giving her piano lessons for some extra cash. And this room doesn’t mean much to me anymore.”

His answer dissappoints you. Not the part that he indirectly said they weren’t dating. The latter part. “And here I thought the whole secrecy of the piano room was just your way of pulling the moves on whoever you’re dating.” As long as the sentence is finished, you regret saying it. You know it isn’t right. What you said is unfair to every intimate and meaningful moment you had with him here. And your words come down like the last drop on his patience.

He shoots out of the seat. “If I wasn’t so goddamn sure that you already know how you’re the first person I ever brought in here, I’d be hurt. But instead I’m just pissed.”

He’s right to be. So you can’t say anything back.

“How can you even-” he stops for a moment. “But that’s just your way, isn’t it? Spit out venom whenever you don’t like something.”

“Me?” you ask in shock. Now this you can’t have. “No. Poisonous words are your specialty.”

“And you already left me for it, didn’t you? You left me so why would you care who I bring in here anyway?” He’s switched to his shouting voice now.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. But I left because you pushed me away, Yoongi.” He averts his gaze to the floor while you continue. “I know that you love music more than anything else but what I also happen to know is that you use it as an escape. An excuse to not get too close. But guess what? We were already too close for me to not realise what you were doing! And that is why I left!”

Both of you are obviously done shouting and silence takes over the room for a while. You already had to push back tears like twice now, so you decide to leave but just then, Yoongi has something to say.

“This room will never have any significance with anyone else besides you. Just know that.” he silently admits with his eyes still fixed on the ground. You don’t say anything and just walk away.

It’s nearly the end of the semester and Hoseok’s mixtape is finally finished. He was so exited that he accidentely published it three times in a row on soundcloud. And the fact that he’s getting some great feedback is the icing on top.

In the meantime, you’ve been doing a lot of thinking. After that fight with Yoongi, you’ve started to seriously consider the fact that maybe leaving him just like that was a mistake. Because yes, you were hurt that after all you had been through, he was still trying to keep you at bay. You felt like as you were falling completely and irreversably for him, he was still holding back. But when you left, you were gone all the way. Leaving him all alone when you knew he was hurt.

Spending the last couple of months together, you finally admitted to yourself that you missed him. And that it did bother you seeing him with other girls. It bothered you that Marley was so obviously into him. Even though he made it clear he wasn’t interested, you still felt... jealous.

But you never mustered up the courage to talk to him about any of these. Even though it seems like lately he’s trying not to be cold around you, trying to strike up random converstions in efforts to perhaps recover at least your friendship. For some stupid reason you can’t seem to dare let him back in.

Your buzzing phone pulls you out of your thoughts. You check and see it’s your best friend that you’ve been feeling extra proud of these days.

“Yes, my successful, on his way to become a star best friend?”

“Oh my god, Y/N. You won’t believe this!” he squeaks while talking. And you hate the suspense so you tell him to hurry up and tell you what’s up.

“Yoongi’s friend in radio 12 agreed to play the title song!”

“What??” you start to squeak in exitement as well. “When? When will it be on?”

“In about two minutes! Just put the station on, now!” he orders and hangs up immediately. He’ll probably call his parents next. You quickly do as he says and for sure, the next song is Hoseok’s title track. You start hopping in your bed, dancing around in your room with the dumbest smile on your face but then-

The bridge comes and it’s your voice. That’s impossible, you think. But it is you singing the bridge. And then it hits you. That one night you snuck into the studio with your spare key and recorded this exact bit, just to see how it’d be... As always, you thought it wasn’t good enough. But instead of deleting, you hid the file. Guess you couldn’t hide it that well, after all. Was it Hoseok that did this? Or...

Your phone buzzes again and once again it’s Hoseok. “Y/N- This was the best surprise you ever made for me. I’m literally about to cry, you sound so good! Thank you for doing this.”

It wasn’t Hoseok, then. But you’re thrilled to know he likes it that much. You’re thrilled to hear yourself on a freaking radio station that so many people listen to! It feels amazing. It gives you so much confidence. So much that after ending the call with Hoseok, you decide to go to the only person left who could’ve done this.

You’re at Yoongi’s door. You haven’t been here for a long time but despite the nervousness, you manage to knock. It’s pretty late but you know he’s a night owl, he should be up. Soon enough, he opens the door. He’s taken aback to see you at first but then his surprised expression turns into worry.

“I know why you’re here. I’m sorry I used the recording without your consent but-”

You launch yourself onto him and crash your lips on his. His response is so quick that it’s almost automatic. He pulls you in even more, closes the door with his foot and traps your body againts the wall with his own. All the while not parting your lips once. Your hands go to his hair. You’ve been wanting to brush your fingers through his hair ever since you’ve seen that he bleached it again after two years. You pull at the tips slightly. It makes him hum into your mouth.

“Wait-” he says while he pulls away suddenly. “You-” You’re both out of breath. “Are you really okay with what I did?”

“Yes.” You close the distance once again and this time he moves you to the couch. You’ve missed this couch. You’ve missed him...

He pulls back again. “Y/N- wait. What are we doing?”

“What do you think?” you tease as your lips travel down to his neck.

“I wanna talk to you first, though.” he manages to say between his panting.

“So talk.” you say and go back to the week spots on his neck, secretly smiling against his skin.

“You’re not-” he swallows a groan. “exactly making it easy.” He then pulls your head up to face him and gives you another long kiss. But this time not out of the heat of the moment. Instead with so much meaning engraved on it.

“Y/N... I never meant to hurt you.” he says staring into your eyes. “You were right, I was a coward but- I swear if you give me another chance, I will give it my all. I’ll be a thousand percent in.”

You smile. He looks so much like a lost puppy that it makes you want to tease him. “Well, prove that to me right now then.” you say slyly.

“Uhh- I will. I- I’m gonna go dye my hair brown, right now. I bleached it to get your attention, anyway. Not to attract others, I promise.” he says in panic.

You burst into laughter. When you first started dating, you talked him into not bleaching his hair anymore. You always said it was only for his health but he always knew you were jealous of girls getting attracted because of it, too. “No, don’t. I actually missed how even hotter it makes you look. Let’s keep that for now.” you say. “I was kidding, you don’t have to do or say any-”

“I love you.”

You pause. It’s not the first time he tells you that. But this time he says it in such a way that you’re certain it’s the real thing. Even more real than before. “I love you, too.”

“So...” he leans into you and whispers in your ear. “Couch or bed?”

You both giggle. “Surprise me.” you whisper back and he quickly tries to lift you but fails, making you both laugh out loud. “Umm- I haven’t been working out lately, baby. I’m sorry.” he says between giggles.

Between all the laughter, you silently thank him for giving you another chance, too. And make a mental promise that you won’t give this up so easily ever again.

....

A/N: This was my first Yoongi fic and I feel good about it. It’s really hard to imagine Yoongi not being a god at music so anytime I use him as a character, he’s always a prodigy lol. I can’t help it he’s just really good. Anyways if you’ve bared with this, thank you sooo much for reading and I hope you liked it. Let me know if you did. Always wash your hands and stay healthy :)

[rezilient-m3]

Aug 2

Been a long time. I didn't want to update till I had something to update about, but I'm sitting here on night shift, tired asf. Lol.

S is the guy I was complaining about in the previous post. It's still weird. I get so upset, or have been, but when he comes back, I'm back "in like" with him. Lol. Geez. We go weeks sometimes without seeing each other, but speak more often. His bday was on the 23rd of July. Days before that I msged him and he didn't open it, I thought whatever, he must be busy. Then seen him at the casino that night. I seen him see me, then act like he didn't and walked thee other way. I was upset about that (today I realized I might have over reacted lol). But I didn't talk to him there. I did my own thing. Weird thing about that was, he never opened that msg (it was on snap). I just feel he must have felt stupid a out it and didn't know how to handle it. 3 days go by and it's Friday, day before his bday. I replied with "Do I know you?" But he laughed it off, and so did I. I said hbday. I didn't see him his bday cuz he went golfing with his sisters, then worked at 5 to 1am. Next day is when I start my shifts (Sun-Thurs, I'll come back to this). So, before I was done at 2pm, I tell him I'm going to bring him a coffee. I went buy a cupcake and a candle to surprise him cuz he never got a cake. It was cute. He was tickled. I almost chickened out cuz it felt lame lol. Anyways, the Frday night, when his bday was at midnight, he mentioned he wanted 35 kisses. So, before I left him, he asked where his kisses were. I kissed him on both cheeks then the lips. That was our first kiss.

We hung out once, again since, but still act like we don't know what we're doing lol. It's so dumb. We're on opposite schedules though, so it makes it difficult. Plus, I know we both want to ask to hang out, but we never do. Lol. So, I'm just being patient. Not really giving other men the time of day. Being loyal when I'm not even in a relationship yet lol. But he's cute. And really genuine, I'm pretty sure.

Anyways, about work. I went to a career fair May 5th, right after graduating. (Grad day was great!) Gave my resume that day. Got an interview May 17th. Offered the job June 7th, and officially started July 5th. That whole ass process took me two months. That was stressful. Anyways, I work Sun to Thurs, on rotations (6am-2pm, 2-10, and 10-6am). This week are nights. It's not bad. I'm in an emergency home that houses 15 kids in care. 3 groups of siblings and two singles, all ages from 1-11. Think it's meant for 0-12. I just do whatever I'm told. Mostly it's just babysitting and cleaning.

I feel like this isn't my calling tho. I've mentioned that I am meant for something big. Something to make a difference in this lifetime. So, I applied for social work to a university in the city. I got accepted, and I registered for my classes, but haven't heard about the funding yet. (My dad is an important man in our reserve and said that he'd talk to the chief and tell them to fund me. Talk about nepotism. Sorry, kinda.)

The big thing I thought about was, maybe it's working with families. In the beginning of my educational career, I thought of working with kids to try redirect them from a life of adversity might get them. Give them advice and be that positive influence. That's what I wanted, but I don't feel like I can do that here. So, I went back to the thought of helping mothers and fathers, or any care givers, to try bring back that "it takes a village" mentality.

I don't know if people have been keeping up with my story, but I have mentioned my personal story about this. In my counseling sessions I talked to my therapist about how it was for me being a young 19 year old mom, out on her own (with my pos bf at the time). I talked about how guilty I felt about not doing the things I should have been doing for my 1st son, who was just a baby. Then, for not raising my girls when they were with their dad. Then she told me about how long ago, in our culture, everyone had a village. Every child was taken care of by a community. We all know that by history. But it's so beautiful to read about. And she said that even though it was my choices that have led to those things happening, that I shouldn't take all of the blame for it. Meaning, I did not have a village. I didn't have anyone to guide me, or lean on, or to just be there when I was struggling. So, I shouldn't blame myself for all of it. And it only mattered to what I was accomplishing now. I have good relationships with my kids, I am sober and I am doing my best to give them a good life. Proud.

Now, as for this village concept, people everywhere should have this. Too many people are left to their own device's, trying to navigate through their addictions, while not learning the proper ways to raise these children. Which might land these kids in homes like these. Everyone needs to feel loved, unjudged, belonged, and accepted. Why can't we have that kind of community everywhere? I want to try. Seems like hard work, but if I at least reach as much people as I can and change this for them, then I'd be happy. So, I'm going to get that degree.!

Idk what else... Alex went to BC with our son. They were gone for over 2 weeks. They got home 2 days ago. We're still ok now. I think. I didn't do anything with my lawyer regarding custody or taking half his possessions lol. Still contemplating.

As for James and the girls' court. That's on Sept 9th. I need 5k to give to the same lawyer to help me to change the order, but I don't have that kind of money, and running out of time to get it. Makes me nervous and stresses me out. Cuz if he walks away from those charges, he can bring a cop to our house and take the girls. Cuz last court order is still the same from the last time we've been in court, and says I only have them for every second weekend, and he is primary caregiver with the decision making. Rank. I hate that. And need to figure this out soon.

There's my current events in a nut shell. I wish it were more interesting for y'all lol. But I'm done. And tired.

[ramblin-tiger]

I Wana throw this out into the void of tumbler since I Wana talk about some shit with the potential to be seen, but don't feel the need to put it on something like Facebook.

First and foremost, yeah, it's partially cuz I want it to be seen, but I really just Wana vent. (Not that I really think I'll get any visibility lol)

I see people talk about not getting anything accomplished by X age all the time. Talking about how lots of people don't have something they consider an "accomplishment" untill their 30's. That's all fine and dandy, but in reality? It F*ckn sucks.

I've been saving money, and actually been able to keep it, since 2019/20ish. Two years. And you know what I've got? Just over 16k as of the time of this post. Sounds nice right? You'd think.

The reality? The /ONLY/ reason I've been able to save that?

I was going to a tech school from early 19 to late 21, and was lucky enough to have a grant.

I had income in the form of a GI bill thanks to my mother.

Said GI bill was twice what my monthly income was working at mall-wart, since I worked fri-sat EVERY week since I was in school. (TY MS.CHRITSINE, my favorite manager ever)

At the end of my tenure of classes, just as I started my last semester for my associates of applied sciences (focus on welding), I started a new job.

Said job took me from 3 days a week at 11$/hr to 40+hours a week at 17$/hr.

Sounds not to bad right?

*SpongeBob announcer voice*

WRONG

Let me list out the pros and cons for you.

Pros

More money.

Stable job.

That's about it.

Cons

No longer able to hang out with the one friend I had.

Life revolves around sleep, work, and doing absolutely nothing on my off days no matter how hard I try and want to.

Failed my last semester due to depression that hit out of nowhere, because I couldn't get myself to do the few online classes I had left between work and sleep.

The one other friend I have, I can maybe hang out with about once a month due to work schedules.

Now, while admittedly this is partial for attention, tis not for pity. I mainly want to share my experience and thoughts.

Now, that savings I have? How did I manage to get that? Simple.

Pure.

F*cking.

Luck.

I've got two room mates, one of which is my BF of (soon to be) 11 years, and a mutual friend (the third one. We've cycled through friends as they've moved on). Our rent is substantially lower compared to what most pay for something our size. We've got a triple wide trailer, basically a house, at 751/month. The average in my area? 900sqft for 900$+/month. Sure or place is a bit run down and the rental people suck, but it's a hell of a deal because we have 1600sqft to work with.

Basically, my own output for bills has been a third of that rent, plus a third of utilities. Outside of personal purchases and food, I'm able to save most of what I make.

But at what cost? See the above cons.

Ive been able to save money from my extra income from when I was in school as well as when I changed jobs, and that's mainly because I managed to pay my car off early 2020. Which I had been paying on since 2015 with a freaking 10.5% interest since it was a loan rolled over from a personal loan. (Yea, f*uck you bank.) That was 16k alone before the interest.

So yea, I've managed to get some "accomplishments" but they don't feel worth it.

Especially since I want to buy a house, but everytime I look it's just impossible.

120k+ for places as big as 948sqft.

It's depressing. Sure, maybe the housing market will crash. But there's no guarantee, nor is there any indication it will be any time soon.

Why does this depress me?

Almost 5 years to save up what I have, most of it by lucky happenstance, and it's a drop in the bucket I need to actually get something that isn't just filler.

And by filler I mean things I don't actually need. Sure some of it may make me happy in the short term. A new TV here ( still using a free TV I got lucky enough to get when I bought my car), a new game there (I hyperfocus so I don't play many games often), some new clothes (necessary, but I don't get anything out of necessity)...

Like, looking at it all, it's just depressing as all f*uck, and it's not changing anytime soon.

Meh, my rants over for now since I'm at work and need to actually do something, and my train of thought is just starting to go all over the place.